Incumbent President Tom ‘Bozo’ Bowes walked in to raucous applause with his abundant supporters from Prudential Tower pleading he not leave the country and to instead keep the throne. He would have none of it and quickly waved a dismissive finger while receiving his Kopi Luwak from his personal barista. For the past few weeks, rumors ran rampant on who would be Bozo’s successor. David Moyes found out the hard way you should never follow after The Man when he took over the reins from Alex Ferguson at Manchester United. Still, somebody has to do it and while there were able men for the job, there were not many that were willing. The glossy trim oxford shoes left behind by Bozo looked two sizes too big to fill even for some of the tall timber lumbering around the club.
That being said, perhaps three men stood alone as most capable to maneuver the Tokyo Goannas Football Club around a premiership hangover and defection of previous coach Gordon Jones to the Bali Geckoes. We’ll take a brief look at their prospects.
Smoking Pete Chalmers
Most famous for marrying Japan's Kim Kardashian last year, Smoking Pete found himself the hot favorite to take on the President’s role in 2016. The boys thought with his spouse's public exposure, Pete could tag along to red carpet events and help further promote the club. Unfortunately, he landed a new dream job and there is some speculation the new employment contractual terms will not allow him to preside over a football club.
Sam Ghirra Onigiridello
Last year’s co-captain looks a long shot for the role after agreeing to take on the Head Coach position and earning the players ire by demanding 10K’s be run outside of training every week. Not only that, but the Fartlek and Indian runs he has been pushing the hungover players through at training has led to rumors of defection to the University teams. It wasn’t until it was found those teams train three times a week that the unrest subsided.
Jarrod Jezza Woodward
Well known for his work outside of the club as a high fashion critique, Jezza has been gaining strong support lately especially amongst the trendier players who have been talking about new jumper designs and the prospect of a Goannas blazer and tie get-up. Also, there has been whispers among the WAGS that Jez would be open to transforming the traditional Goannas Black Tie Ball to a Masquerade Ball which would attract new demographics to the club.
With that done, it was clear nobody had much of an idea of who would succeed as President for 2016 when Bozo stepped onto his podium he brought over from Prudential Tower to mark the announcements. Clearly reading from a teleprompter to the tune of Travis ‘Arms’ Wilson singing the Goannas club song in the background, gasps were heard around the North Face coffee shop when the name Sam Ghirra Onigiridello was read out.
What man is this who would dare take on both the roles of Head Coach and President? The audaciousness of it all roused the attending players and members who rose up as one with their coffee cups in applause and salutation - all training woes forgotten. A poster of an onigiri (shown below) was instantly shown on screen to honor the new induction as Ghirra stepped on stage to make his acceptance speech.
To hear an edited version of his acceptance speech follow this link: Sam Ghirra Onigiridello Acceptance Speech 2016
Also announced in his speech were the plans laid out for the year and the positions of the other committee-men on his staff;
Vice President: Jarrod Jezza Woodward
Treasurer and Social Media: Daniel Lasty Last
Website: Smoking Pete Chalmers
Calendar and Events: Golf Douggie Bonham
Video and Photographer: Steve Palmagianna
Auskick and Footy Ambassador: Yuji Yooooj Yamamoto
JAFL Liaison: KC and the Band Imai
Website editor: Oceans
A big 2016 awaits for the Goannas’ premiership defense!