With a new season comes new recruits and this year is no different to any other – except for one not-so-small difference. Kapi Thitiwat from the small island of Tonga, a lump of a lad who has never picked up a football in his life. Having arrived in Tokyo not long ago to start a new career as an English teacher, he thought he’d do away completely with his comfort zone and try a new sport as well.
 
Since then, we found out he will be adding entertainment value with his left-field views and although having never met them yet, already knows his teammates quite well. This week we got a chance for a bit of a Q&A with Kapi while he gets ready for his first training session this weekend. You can find the unedited transcript below:
 
Reporter: How did you find out about the Goannas, Kapi?
 
Kapi: Your player Peter Chalmers introduced to me the game. He said the team needed a boost in female supporters and I can help with this.
 
R: You’re probably right there Kapi. You do look in pretty good shape. Have you played other sports?
 
K: Growing up I played a lot of kiss-chasey. But we called it Catch-A-Wife. I heard this would have been useful a few weeks ago.
 
R: So you’ve heard about what happened at training?
 
K: Yes, the Goannas were practicing kiss-chasey but with no women. I was wary to join after hearing this but then I heard about Daud Hegarty from Peter. He is a supporter of a team called Melbourne Demons. Even in Tonga we have heard of this team and how bad they are. I always respect men who can go lower after supporting such a team. There is no boundary for them. I can go to battle with them.
 
R: Kiss-chasey isn’t quite a training drill we do, but was there anything else that attracted you to join the Goannas? How did Pete sell it to you?
 
K: He said I would like the people. He said there is a He-Man called Travis Wilson who people call Arms because his arms are big like tree-trunks. I plan to usurp this title from him. Also, there is a guy with chiseled body called Yuji Yamamoto who looks like Adonis. I will show him that I am The Donis.
 
R: So your main motivation is to compete with some of the players fitness-wise?
 
K: Yes, but mostly I am looking forward to challenging the opposition player Michito Sasaki. Peter says he is like mini Rambo. In Tonga, Rambo is our hero so I would like to shake his hand and give him a hug.
 
R: How is your running? Michito Sasaki can run all day.
 
K: Kapi does not run.
 
R: How do you plan to stop him then?
 
K: I will wait for him to come to me after I stare him down and beckon him over with my index finger.
 
R: Our game doesn’t really work like that. You will probably need to do a bit of running, didn’t Peter tell you this?
 
K: Peter said everything will be fine. There is man called Alex Wyatt so I will have a partner to stand stationary with.
 
R: Ok, well, have you gotten the chance to be introduced to Sam Ghirardello the club President yet?
 
K: I have only seen his face superimposed to a riceball and I hear people call him Onigiridello. In Tonga, if people make fun of you like this, you cannot be a leader. I wonder how he can be elected when he does not have the respect of the people he dictates over. But I will reserve judgement until we meet. Maybe he really has head of riceball. I do not know. Who is his supreme assistant?
 
R: Well, the Vice President is a person called Jarrod Woodward. He is a lawyer and apparently a pretty big fan of fashion.
 
K: Yes, he is the man Peter call the Jezz. I have seen his fashion blog and he is a very handsome and fashionable man with great taste in clothes. He must know his clothing brand names well. I have already told Peter I will introduce him to my sister if he ever goes to Tonga.
 
R: I hear he is already in a very serious relationship so I don’t think he would be interested. Anyway, is there anything you have found strange about our game so far?
 
K: Definitely. The language. Speccie, ripper, grubber…I have no idea. Also, I have heard this man Daniel Last speak. I cannot understand at all. It is like a different language.
 
R: You’ll get used to it eventually I’m sure. Hopefully everything you’ve heard from Peter will turn out well for you. I think we’re all glad to have you on board this year Kapi.
 
K: Thank you. Peter said a man called Oceans is a funny man too. I am looking forward to meeting him.
 
R: Actually, that’s me.
 
K: Oh ok. Well he lied about that one already.

​It was the biggest game of the year, and for many Goannas the biggest game of their lives. We’re talking about the 2015 Grand Final against the Tokyo Bay Suns, a team the Goannas had never beaten before.
 
A disappointing start to the game meant the team was playing catch up from the get-go and it took a massive effort from the entire playing group to claw the momentum back their way getting within two goals just shy of half-time, confidence rising. That was when ‘The Incident’ happened and this week I got a chance to speak with chief evildoer James ‘Bash Brother’ Dennier, the teams Canadian representative.
 
The moment was when the disputed ball found itself over the boundary line via a strong and fair Goannas tackle, and a throw-in would soon ensue to restart the game. Well, at least it was supposed to, except Bash decided he would impose himself on the game. That probably isn’t an abnormal thing to do in a game as physical as Aussie rules – if you were a player. Bash was the water boy.
 
As the Suns player tried to get off the turf Bash leant over him, face inches away, and hollered in Rick Flair fashion, “WOOOOOOOOOO!  What happened!? Did you get knocked the **** down!?  What happened, looks like you got knocked over!”

What happened next was a free kick given to the Suns who promptly took it downfield scoring a rare easy goal just as the siren sounded. All of a sudden the Goannas were 3 goals down at half-time against a team who traditionally finishes well. Some of the players were livid, screaming at Bash to get off the field, while others had no idea what happened and who this crazed water boy even was.
 
Asked to recount the event, Bash closed his eyes shaking his head, “I was talking to one of the expats on the other team before he shanked his kick, then I made fun of him for a bit.  He started talking back trash, so it seemed like I really put him off his game.  I thought I'd do the same thing to that other dude who just got put down. Play my part for the team. Turns out there's a line between quietly mocking somebody and doing a little dance while shouting in someone's face”.
 
How did he feel about it afterwards? “A bit of a jackass. Dan Last seemed to take it really personally and hasn’t failed to bring it up at least twice every time I have met him since. I think he is still upset about it”.
 
When asked to respond, Last didn’t let the opportunity for another soft dig go to waste. “I’ll use Zaiko’s quote he asked me on the field. ‘Lasty, who is that clown and what the hell is he doing here!?!?’”
 
Gordon Jones, coach at the time, was more frank about the matter saying, “Bash was 2 points away from being deported back to Canada”.
 
Fortunately for the Goannas, and Bash, a spectacular last 6 minutes saw 4 goals scored to win the game by those 2 points. It was pandemonium and perhaps the grandest finish of any match in recent times. Standing on the sidelines in those dying moments, you could be forgiven for thinking Bash was facing death sentence as thoughts of costing his team the premiership set heavy in his mind.
 
“I was hoping we either lose by 4 goals or won.  The start of the comeback was really nerve wracking as I could feel the wrath coming my way should we have lost by less than a goal. I may have been kicked out of the country back to Canada let alone the club as the coach may have told you”.
 
In the end, the game was won by the red and white so no grudges are held. It all adds to another chapter in Bash’s rich book of ‘moments’. This is the man who mistakenly rented an apartment without a shower and decided to tackle and then holler at Kansai ruckman and one-billion pound behemoth Jon Cooper only to have his ribs broken in the re-match.
 
What about his water-running prospects though? “Under no circumstances will I ever run water again, moreover, the Goannas should make it policy that I not be allowed within 500 meters  of any game I'm not playing in”.
 
So there are regrets?
 
“Well, riddle me this. If you're not woooo-ing and doing little dances over fallen opponents then why bother playing?”

Ocean Full of Tears
 
Training track watchers tell of in-and-under tough nut Oceans Huynh not being so tough at training February 14th. Getting his wish of an intra-club practice match, he went down with an injury after 5 minutes grasping his leg like a bunyip stomped on it. The match was called off and minutes later Oceans was seen walking to the drink fountain with nary a limp. He has been accused of taking a dive because he was too tired to continue playing, and now comes under question as to whether he has run the compulsory 10km’s a week. It has been reported he must front the committee this Wednesday to explain himself and provide a photo of a satisfactory bruise.
 
 
Firsty Falls Short
 
Half-back dynamo Andrew Last has come under fire for only having one pair of shorts worn every day winter or summer. They are fluorescent orange and two sizes too short, following in the mini-shorts footsteps of big brother Daniel Last. The revealing nature of his lower half wardrobe has led to rumors his nickname will be changed from ‘Firsty’ to ‘Sacks’ in the immediate future. If anybody has any photographic evidence of Andrew in his fluorescent orange mini-shorts please release them for public disclosure. Also, please be wary this is a family club and any inappropriate parts in the image need to be censored.
 
 
Ghiradello Unrest Fails to Mellow
 
Coach and premiership ruckman Sam Ghiradello continues to be scrutinized for his brutal training regime. This time, forcing players to train in the muddy wet. Winger Daniel Last was most vocal stating the playing group wanted ex-coach Gordon Jones back as Gordon would “never allow us to train in the rain – especially if there was a Saints game on” (this quote has been apparently retracted). Later on he was heard to again say that Sam didn’t understand the stress training in the wet put on his family because his poor wife has to do his muddy laundry. The Phantom understands coach Sam has had enough of Daniel’s aversion to getting his feet wet and has decided to take a step back as coach next week instead letting Daniel do the coaching saying, “If you think you can do a better job, then why don’t you do it?”.  The Phantom will look to follow this story as it develops.
 
 
Quote of the day: “Who are you trying to impress today with your thongs and skinny jeans?” – D Last

On a wintery morning, with the wind relentlessly hitting innocent victims in the face with vicious combos, the Goannas tried their best to dodge those iced boxing gloves en route the North Face coffee shop where throngs of adoring supporters were braving the cold for a brief glimpse of their premiership heroes. The annual AGM was about to take place and a new President of the club was about to be anointed.
 
Incumbent President Tom ‘Bozo’ Bowes walked in to raucous applause with his abundant supporters from Prudential Tower pleading he not leave the country and to instead keep the throne. He would have none of it and quickly waved a dismissive finger while receiving his Kopi Luwak from his personal barista. For the past few weeks, rumors ran rampant on who would be Bozo’s successor. David Moyes found out the hard way you should never follow after The Man when he took over the reins from Alex Ferguson at Manchester United. Still, somebody has to do it and while there were able men for the job, there were not many that were willing. The glossy trim oxford shoes left behind by Bozo looked two sizes too big to fill even for some of the tall timber lumbering around the club.
 
That being said, perhaps three men stood alone as most capable to maneuver the Tokyo Goannas Football Club around a premiership hangover and defection of previous coach Gordon Jones to the Bali Geckoes. We’ll take a brief look at their prospects.
 
Smoking Pete Chalmers
Most famous for marrying Japan's Kim Kardashian last year, Smoking Pete found himself the hot favorite to take on the President’s role in 2016. The boys thought with his spouse's public exposure, Pete could tag along to red carpet events and help further promote the club. Unfortunately, he landed a new dream job and there is some speculation the new employment contractual terms will not allow him to preside over a football club.
 
Sam Ghirra Onigiridello
Last year’s co-captain looks a long shot for the role after agreeing to take on the Head Coach position and earning the players ire by demanding 10K’s be run outside of training every week. Not only that, but the Fartlek and Indian runs he has been pushing the hungover players through at training has led to rumors of defection to the University teams. It wasn’t until it was found those teams train three times a week that the unrest subsided.   
 
Jarrod Jezza Woodward
Well known for his work outside of the club as a high fashion critique, Jezza has been gaining strong support lately especially amongst the trendier players who have been talking about new jumper designs and the prospect of a Goannas blazer and tie get-up. Also, there has been whispers among the WAGS that Jez would be open to transforming the traditional Goannas Black Tie Ball to a Masquerade Ball which would attract new demographics to the club.
 

With that done, it was clear nobody had much of an idea of who would succeed as President for 2016 when Bozo stepped onto his podium he brought over from Prudential Tower to mark the announcements. Clearly reading from a teleprompter to the tune of Travis ‘Arms’ Wilson singing the Goannas club song in the background, gasps were heard around the North Face coffee shop when the name Sam Ghirra Onigiridello was read out.
 
What man is this who would dare take on both the roles of Head Coach and President? The audaciousness of it all roused the attending players and members who rose up as one with their coffee cups in applause and salutation - all training woes forgotten. A poster of an onigiri (shown below) was instantly shown on screen to honor the new induction as Ghirra stepped on stage to make his acceptance speech.
 
To hear an edited version of his acceptance speech follow this link: Sam Ghirra Onigiridello Acceptance Speech 2016
 
Also announced in his speech were the plans laid out for the year and the positions of the other committee-men on his staff;
Vice President: Jarrod Jezza Woodward
Treasurer and Social Media: Daniel Lasty Last
Website: Smoking Pete Chalmers
Calendar and Events: Golf Douggie Bonham
Video and Photographer: Steve Palmagianna
Auskick and Footy Ambassador: Yuji Yooooj Yamamoto
JAFL Liaison: KC and the Band Imai
Website editor: Oceans
 
A big 2016 awaits for the Goannas’ premiership defense!

The Goannas were greeted to great numbers for our first training session of the year. New coach Sam Ghirardello got the boys working up a sweat in no time with a mix of skills and hard running drills. It was a great chance for the boys to catch up over a laugh and a kick after a busy off season that has seen various Goannas become dads, tie the knot, drop the knee, start new jobs, and of course hit the slopes for some JAPOW. It was also fantastic to welcome newcomer Brett to the Goannas fray.  The new recruit looked at home in the red and white providing a great target throughout training. Is he a ready made Gordon Jones replacement? It may be too soon to say, however if he continues to take strong marks and kick as straight as an arrow filling the forward line void may not be as arduous a task as once thought. 

The Goannas will be back by the river Sunday Feb 14th at 11am for our next training session! We look forward to seeing you there! Go Goannas!

The time has come to get behind the Goannas again in 2016! Our Annual General Meeting will be this Sunday at the North Face Standard café in Futakotamagawa, starting at 10am. We will follow up the AGM with our first official training session for the year down by the river! Looking forward to seeing lots of new and old faces.