by By Military Matt
Score : Goannas 114 def, Samurai 72.
Apologies to Banjo Paterson.
He had written us a letter, so we thought we’d fucking better, must,
reply to his request about the trip from Tokyo.
He was asking for a favour and a fair amount of labour,
2 white maggots and some players, Aussie Troy from Nagano
A message went expected, hoping no one was neglected,
though I think there were some players who were sitting in the bar,
Country’s gone to Cuba stoving and we don’t know where he are.
Righto, that’s enough. You try making up shit to rhyme with that!
The Sugadaira Cup weekend came and went like a truckie in a whorehouse, but when it was all said and done there wasn’t nearly as much mess to clean up. There were many notable incidents of meiwaku and we were able to send out Ryan and Yukes with a win and an empty car. New property steward, Garry Frenkelah had his first taste of the PS pill, and I’m sure the foul taste is still in his mouth. Top marks for effort, but Ryan had to laugh when Garry announced “Let’s pack up everyone” at the end of the game on Sunday. Smokin Pete looked comfortable in the front, but spare a thought for his girlfriend, who had the esky, barbeque and a dozen tomatoes on her lap. Being the last two cars at the ground, Ryan and Garry had to wear the wrath of the groundsmen (Ryan, what is it with you and groundsmen?) for having the cars on the surface. As I predicted, there were several balls into the windscreens of the cars parked behind the goals, but no major damage done. (Don’t forget it was 23 who hit your car, Dono).
The trip up was fairly uneventful with the exception of the scheduled pit stop. Ryan pulled in for some fuel and oil, however the Delica needs to be taken apart to check the oil. After the gas station man had pulled the dash out and put it back in, we were back on the way. I guess you wanted to find that \100 coin anyway… Driving the wrong direction in the carpark was about the only incident of meiwaku, and Ryan repeated the wasuremono option – only this time with his toenail. Before the journey began, we lost James, the sandshoe footy specialist, to a stomach bug (read hangover) and Smokin Pete to a better offer, but it was still interesting to hear about the mines from Denny.
Set against the backdrop of the rugged terrain that is Nagano, it was certainly a great place for footy. The first two games were played at the baseball field next to the bath house/swimming centre, which had some decent grass coverage and mandatory gravel. A reasonable ground despite the blood-sucking fleas, we were well suited to the 10-minute halves and ran out victors on both occasions. Denny made his debut for the Goannas with a solid performance in the backline and we look forward to having him with us for a while to come. Kim dusted off the boots and showed some real speed with his bustling runs up the centre, putting to shame men of a much younger vintage. Dono also looked to be in good touch, both in attack and defence, providing a friendly bump to players on either team as required. Mick and Dillon Millet put in stellar performances as usual as we ran out victors by a narrow margin against the Gokong. The radio controlled cars from Saitama were replaced by the lucid tones of the Nagano answer to Frenzyl Rhomb. Fortunately, their practice area was enclosed, otherwise they might have found one of Dono’s dobbed shots in amongst the drums.
The bathhouse used real onsen water complete with the sulfur stench, which required a second shower to wash it off. Definitely meiwaku. Someone had to tell the old guy running around inside to take it easy, but it wasn’t too bad on the whole. The old lady in the change rooms was notably absent, however I don’t think anyone one was too disappointed. The foot massage spa was quite good and despite his best efforts, Ryan couldn’t entice anyone into jumping straight in. I thought you might have had Biscuits there for a while, but the crap about the soft cushion lining was just a bit too much.
The next item on the agenda was to head on over to the heart of Sugadaira to piss it up. Shane was lacking a little bit of form, possibly a result from the night before, but everyone else seemed to be rearing to go. Mel’s Texas Bar provided some entertainment to say the least. On his busiest night of the year, Mel was ready for anything, except more than 8 people ordering the mixed katsu. I’m sure the curry was a good feed anyway. Courtesy of the boys, the beer supplies took some damage, and courtesy of the gas in the kitchen, Mel got himself a free trim and eyebrow tint. Watch out for that gas, it’s a real doozy. It actually sounded like an explosion and shook the shit out of the building, so it was quite amazing that he wasn’t seriously injured.
As usual the awards for the previous games were handed out. Shiba did well to receive the BOG and NAFA award for the same day. A few of the younger Samurais also received awards for showing a bit of promise, which they will look to continue in the future. Once again Mick had to accept an award for young Dillon. I guess making your Dad skull a warm VB is ok, but don’t expect too much for Christmas.
After a trip to the only 7-11 in town, those heading back to the lodge picked up some refreshments and free peanuts. In hindsight, perhaps I should have taken note of that famous saying; rethink your 8th drink. I was curious to find out why the convenience store workers hadn’t left for the big smoke, but to Dono and the others waiting in the car, it was simply meiwaku.
The lodge accommodation was very good, although there is now one less futon to sleep on. A saying I used to hear in the military was, “You can live in silence and have people only think you’re a dickhead, or you can open your mouth and remove all doubt.” I think that sums the whole thing up just nicely. While the drinks and peanuts kept flowing, we got into the business of being on a footy trip. Inappropriate stories and comments were the order of the day before things turned really nasty and I mentioned to V word –
Unfortunately, things didn’t go as I had planned and I ended up flushing more than just the alcohol out of my system. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the bolognaise spaghetti dinner from the convenience store, but the first taste was more than enough. I gave out more pills than there are gay first dates in Yoyogi park on a Sunday, but the benefit of taking it to all concerned, remains to be seen. Kim put in a brief nude appearance, but there weren’t any other takers for the hot tub, which looked pretty good.
As you would expect some of us were feeling a little under the weather after the previous days festivities (happy Steve). I felt a little better after drifting in and out of consciousness for a few more hours, but trying to sleep when you feel like shit on a hot day is a lot like masturbating with a cheese grater; sometimes ok, but mostly painful. Marty also had a few more Zs and things were shaping up nicely. A special award needs to be given to the lodge dunny. It took an absolute beating, including being poked with a stick by Marty. It should be aired out by now, but the smell in there really was nasty. After smelling the toilet, being behind the truck spewing out black smoke on the winding roads and experiencing Dono’s superior handling abilities (better check out that ball joint, mate), I felt like a cross between pig shit, and that white stuff that gathers in the corners of some people’s mouths. Anyway, the show must go on and I didn’t spew despite a few predictions. Callum thought he was going to come close too, but he held out like a trooper. (Pause for confused silence about the origin of this phrase). That’s right, I once knew a girl who liked to take it like a trooper…
The ground selected for the Sugadaira cup was a belter. One of about 50 in the area to choose from, it was covered in green stuff. I was going to offer an offensive analogy, but just think about one thing that is covered in say, hair and another that isn’t. What you conjure up is due to your own filthy minds. In his first game as coach, Chuck had a solid game, making some astute changes and revving up the boys. Dono and Ryan played in an unprecedented manner – passing to each other regularly, dobbing goals – it
was great to see. Unfortunately, we lost Dono to a hammy after 2 quarters, but he had already demoralised his opponent so much, that the victory was pretty much a foregone conclusion. At least that sounds good, so we will stick with that. Biscuits played very well, dobbing one from right in front. He should have had a couple more, but didn’t quite have the distance. Big Dave in the Ruck played a strong game as we once again took it out of the centre with ease. There were some good goals scored, but for mine, the running pickup and snap by Ryan and the goal scored by Kim on the run were the highlights.
The white Maggots, thanks Shane and Troy, plus goal umpire Aaron, had a good game, but there is always one unhappy camper. Marty looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel as he ranted and raved at poor old Troy after a high tackle wasn’t paid. He threw his mouth guard and was contemplating the boot, but calmed down a bit just in time. Passion on the footy field is always
great to see. Callum was coming close to needing something also. If he had only been given \100 for every time he said, “Who have you got, mark em up,” the AWB would have a situation vacant. The “fuckup and your dragged” rule came into play in the last quarter to good effect also. Steve came on late in the final quarter and had a few good touches and went on to take out the NAFA award.
BOG for the Goannas was Mick Millet and Max for the Samurai.
All told, everyone had a good game and we retained the Cup. Ryan and Yukes ditched the shit onto Garry and I will never be invited to stay at the Lodge again without a set of plastic sheets.
JAFA word for the moment: stove
(1) (Noun). Appliance used to cook food.
(2) Slang (Verb). I might go home and stove the Missus.